Worst Jokes Ever

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

What movie do atheists watch for Christmas?

"Coincidence on 34th Street."

Steven Hawking said there is no God,

Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.

I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.

What do you call a bunch of Aboriginals rolling down a hill?

Abo-lanche.

What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

Why did Hitler get hit by a car? Because he did Nazi that coming!

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not, he got nailed before he died!

How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.

kys

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

The Windows XP log out sound.

What does Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common?

They're both made of plastic and children turn them on.

There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What’s the best part about having sex with twenty-six year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

Titanic was sinking.

Passenger: "How far are we from land?"

Captain: "Two miles."

Passenger: "Which direction?"

Captain: "Down."