Worst Jokes Ever

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

What do suicidal people do in their spare time?

Hang out.

Me: What do you call a group of retards?

Friend: Down town?

Me: Nope, target practice.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".

But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.

What did the pimp order at the Chinese restaurant?

He ordered some cock-bang-ho.

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.

Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"

The guy who made the knock knock joke deserves a no-bell prize.

What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.

Ok, not really racist but still funny.

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

What did the priest say to the other in the orphanage?

"Let us prey together."