Face-Timing My Girlfriend:
"Hey girl! Are you a veterinarian? Because these puppies are sick!" *shows muscle*
Worst Jokes Ever
Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
Why did the chicken cross to the U.S. from Mexico?
To get to the U.S., but he had to show his papers first.
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
So you can watch the expression on their face.
What keeps you breathing when you're on Earth?
I don't know. I suffocated at birth.
Why can’t dinosaurs cross the road?
Because they’re dead.
Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
How did the Scottish man find the sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying.
Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.
Yo mama is so slow, when she stepped on the highway they had to order a crane to come move her from starting traffic.
Eggs
You crack me up!
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24 hours, so they just called it a "day".
Stephen Hawking had pins and needles and got told to walk it off.
kanker
What unit of measurement is used on farms? Barn yards.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
What do you call a moose that doesn't want to be known? Anonymoose.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.