You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.
Who's the bus driver?
You will never nose [know].
There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.
When I was young, I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back, except they didn't get back up.
My heart is like a plane.
It crashes every once in a while.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
What is a lesbian's favorite potato chip flavor?
Porn Cocktail.
Why does God hate me?
Because I'm a gay minority who fights for women's rights.
"Let's play Roblox! My name is xX_RobloxGamer420Pro_xX."
How did the flight attendant want their burger?
Just plane!
Chuck Norris was shot with a gun. The bullet was critically injured.
I adopted a dog. It's gone now.
At least homeless people in China are not starving.
What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?
I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.
School reminds me of a penis. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
What did one bear reply to his bad pun?
"Bear with me!"
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
What do you do when your baby starts screaming?
Use more lube.
Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year.