I have something on my lip and I think I’m taller than you.
"Who am I?"
Worst Jokes Ever
Where did the one legged lady work?
IHOP
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A violin has "strings" and a fiddle has "strangs."
"Banjo players spend half their lives tuning... and the other half out of tune."
I'm a banjo picker, and I can confirm this is 99% true.
My penis is too big for my dad to suck it, so my mum sucks it instead.
Adopted kid: I made a big mistake!
Dad: You are one.
Someone asked me where to find de wae?
I replied with: Oh, de wea, that's a shop. It's down the road.
I gotta song for Hawaii, baby, you light up my world like nobody else.
Justin: Hey.
Josh: Hey man.
Justin: Why only "man"?
Josh: It feels weird saying the r a c e y names.
Justin: I don't mind.
Josh: Okay, S L A V E.
Justin: Oh no, not T H A T one!
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"
What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?
One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!
Ur mom.
A guy walks into a mosque... then blows up.
What is blue and sits in a corner? A baby in a baggy.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
I read a book on anti-gravity...
It was impossible to put down.
Murder: Wanna play a game?
Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)