What was the epileptic chef’s house special?
Seizure salad.
Worst Jokes Ever
Did you hear about the band Manhole? I hear they're a metal cover.
God took away Stephen Hawking's privileges.
I got shot once. Now I'm holey.
A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.
When I was in high school, me and my friends would play with this girl who had Down syndrome.
We would get into a circle around her and say, "Nightmare, nightmare!"
What's hard about walking through a bunch of dead babies?
My dick.
What's a tree's least favorite TV show? Chopped!
What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
What did Sally get for Christmas? Ligma?
What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls from a tree? A pool table.
I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"
Why?
You're do annoying like your fucked up hairline.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Disabled.
God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.
Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.
God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.
Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!
God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)
Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)
God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!
God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........
God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.
Why did the blonde chick buy two Plan B pills?
She wanted to be for sure for sure!
I hate double standards. If you burn a body at a crematorium, you're doing a good job. If you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence.