Worst Jokes Ever
Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?
Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.
Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?
Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.
Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!
Dad: Oh, hey Brick!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd get in the van if I were you...
How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?
Hint: he didn’t.
Here's how to piss off all of North America.
All the United States is, is South Canadia.
Three guys landed on a cannibal island. The cannibal chef told them if they wanted to live, they had to go get 10 of one fruit and bring it to him, and he would tell them what to do.
So the first guy brings 10 apples, and the chef said if he could shove all 10 of those in his ass without making a sound, he could live. He was three apples in and made a sound, and they ate him. The second guy brought grapes; nine grapes in, and he burst out laughing. The cannibals ate him. Then the first guy said, "Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!" The other guy who had the grapes said, "I couldn't help it, I was told the third guy came back with 10 pineapples."
Where does a pianist go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What did the stepbrother and stepsister do together?
Oof, mitosis!
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
How is an orphan like a boomerang?
They always come back!
What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?
"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
No?
They both got six months.
Yo mama so fat, she takes up all the space.
How are a gay guy and a refrigerator different?
When you pull the meat out of the refrigerator, it doesn’t fart.
I will call my kid Monday, because whenever I see him, I feel disappointment.
A baby seal walks into a club...
What did the paintings name their daughter?
Palette.
What’s Brock from Pokemon's favorite food?
Brockoli.
I exist.
There's a new horror movie about Stephen Hawking.
It's called "Unplugged!"
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.