Worst Jokes Ever
I went into a CS:Go lobby and all I heard for ten minutes straight was, "Act like you're hard, but your dad beat you harder."
Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.
What did one alligator say to the other alligator?
"Let’s go for an all-in-one buffet!"
Make sense of what I am saying, This is a LIE—and that's the TRUTH.
What am I?
Answer: a Riddle.
Kid: "Mom, what happened to Jim?"
Mom: "He got inside a white van."
They say string theory is hanging on by a thread.
How many babies does it take to paint a room red?
Depends how hard you throw 'em.
Bosses are like seagulls.
They fly in, make a lot of noise, crap all over everything, then fly out.
What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A pork chop.
What's an emo person's least favorite game? Cut The Rope.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
What did Stephen Hawking love that couldn't move?
Himself, ps particularly his whole body. I was gonna say his legs, but then I remembered he was fully paralysed and was like shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
A random guy yelled at me, "Hey, slut!"
I walked towards him.
"I prefer slit," I said.
"Why?" He asked.
"You see these wrists?" I spat at him.
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
Two Timetravers walk into a bar...
...the bartender then said, "Sorry, we don't serve Timetravers here."
My face.
Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can see the look on its face...
What did the skeleton say after dinner?
Bon appétit!
Wow! That whiteboard is remarkable!
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.