A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Worst Jokes Ever
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the New York Zoo.
Cyber bully: Your mom giey.
Me: nO U
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter. He approaches her and says, "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion, but I was curious to know, if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?"
The young lady smiles and says, "That's a lot of money, of course, I would."
The doctor smiles and says, "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?"
The young lady says, "What, are you joking? That's no money at all. Of course, I wouldn't. What do you think I am?"
The Doctor smiles again and says, "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."
What's yellow and can't float?
A school bus full of children.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.
The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.
The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.
And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"
What does a stick say when it falls down? "Wood you help me up?"
When the school lets you near children again...
So today an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... Hhah.
Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.
I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
Why is the penis so light?
Because even thots can lift them.
What is a Mexican's favorite sport?
Cross country.
If you are dehydrated, you should get well soon.
What's Stephen Hawking's shampoo?
Head and Shoulders. 😊
How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.
How did a blonde commit suicide?
She jumped from the basement window.
