My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
Worst Jokes Ever
I fucked a chick named Macy, but she had dyslexia.
So I ended up doing the YMCA.
The reason I'm gay is because I'm scared of getting cooties.
One of the students reported a school shooting.
That fucking snitch...
You suck!
What's the only thing Mexicans can unwrap on Christmas? Tamales.
Why don't phones wear glasses? Because they have contacts!
What happens if you sit under a cow?
You get a pat on the head.
Why does the pimp always use job fairs as a way of recruiting new hoes?
He always gets a great turnout.
What do you call mo on a dating website? Tissue face.
What did the cat say when she stubbed her toe?
"(Me)owwww!"
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
When you're playing online with your friend, then you hear a kid scream: "No, Dad, please stop!" Scream ends with a gunshot.
My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.
Was Jesus a virgin? Of course not! He was nailed before he was killed.
When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
