Worst Jokes Ever
Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap.
Son: Mom, I'm blind.
Mom: Exactly!
How did the British lose the War of 1812?
They were out-Britshed.
What's the difference between cars and grass?
They both have wheels, except for the grass.
What's the difference between a baby and a Dorito?
One is a tasty snack, the other is a Dorito.
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.
What did the Indian cheese say to the other cheese?
"Tu cheese badi hai mast mast!"
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
Yaxaas?
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
I wondered why the pitcher hadn’t pitched the ball yet.
Then it hit me.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea).
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she is a dumb b*tch!
If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?
0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.
I need to go to the tailor, or so it seams.
I need to get new shoes; one of these isn’t right.
My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.
So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."
My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"
I said, "Literally."
There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.
One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:
Police: "What’s you name?"
Shut Up: "Shut Up."
Police: "Where's your manners?!"
Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."