Worst Jokes Ever

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

What does Christian say when he wants out of jail?

"Bale me out!"

What happens when you search nudes on my phone?

Nothing, I don't have any.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fffffsshhhhhh

The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.

Why is the sea salty?

Because the land never waves back.

How many shades of gray does it take to make a dirty movie?

50.

Your forehead is so big, I can write an essay on it.

Three boy chihuahua were hot about this girl chihuahua. She tells them, "I will date whichever one of you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence."

First dog says, "I love cheese, but liver is bland."

She replies, "Really original."

Next dog, "I love liver, but cheese makes me constipated."

She replies, "Ew, gross."

Third dog steps up, "Man, liver alone cheese mine."

Winner dog 3.

Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, there are 69 in my basement, and it's still dark.

There was a race between Lettuce, a faucet, and Ketchup. The lettuce was a-head, the faucet was still running, and the ketchup was trying to ketchup.

I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food.

What's the difference between the baby I just killed and Isaac Newton?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."

Take it in the ear day? More like take it in the rear day.

I was boiling some water and said, "Water, you will be mist!"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Q: Why did the family want to move out while the neighbors were playing tennis?

A: Because they were a racquet!