Are you a toaster? Bc I want to take a bath w you ;)
3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn't pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
"Go big or go home", that's what some people say.
"Go loud and proud", that's what other people say.
"Go out with a big, loud bang!", that's what I say.
What's the difference between humans and bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
What's a Mexican's least favorite lesson in art? Drawing border lines.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time. A person looks at the tree. The person: Only last thing left to hang! He grabs a noose.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
I nutted on the wall, call that a walnut.
Nutted in her braces, now my kids are behind bars.
I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet
Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.
you're are mum
I know five fat people and you're three of them
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands? Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope...
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
