Friend: Do you know him?
Other Friend: Know who?
Friend: My dick!
Worst Jokes Ever
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
You know the drill, but do you know the hammer? Hah, nailed that one.
But I also think I screwed it up.
Julius's wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).
What do you call a homeless bounty hunter?
Hobo Fett!
What's a current's favorite juice?
Black "current"!
Two boys are talking on the bus.
Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?
Boy 1: Oh, that's right.
I woke up one night to a strange noise, and when I went to investigate what it was, I found out that it was coming from my parents' room.
I looked inside and counted, ok one, two, three finger men and my mom, so nothing out of the ordinary, so then I checked my sister's room, and I counted 4 other women in the room, but then I realized that the sound was coming from right in front of me. It was my dad giving me a BJ the whole time.
How many babies does it take to paint a barn red? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
The holy water in this church is of the highest quality: it has been assed by the bishop.
A Japanese, Hispanic, and Iraqi man are in a plane. The Japanese man drops a bowl off of it and shouts "I love my country!" Then the Hispanic man drops a burrito off the side and shouts, "I love my country!" Finally, the Iraqi man drops a bomb and shouts, "I love my country!"
Not much longer on, a man walks by a boy who is sitting by a crater laughing non-stop. And the man asks, "What's so funny?" And the boy says "When I farted, my house blew up!"
Yo mama so fat, she walked by the TV, I missed 3 episodes!
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
Did you know hospitals have an entire wing for free dead babies? It’s called the abortion center.
Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Screw it.
Why didn't the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn't in it!
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?
They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"
At my most fear, I shit my pants.
