Worst Jokes Ever
Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."
So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
He fingered a minor.
So a blond and a brunette jumped out of a plane. Who hit the ground first?
The blond because she had to ask for directions.
What is brown and extremely sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a Mongolian swindler?
A Khan artist.
What’s the best thing about sex with 119 year olds? There are 100 of them.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
NASA = Not Africa North America. That's what NASA stands for.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
Why are we here?
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?
Carlos.
How did Stephen Hawking die? His wife needed to charge her iPhone.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the worst dam program I've ever seen.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!
I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Sinocyclocheilus anophthalmus.