Why do ducks have feathers?
So you don't see their butt. *quack* (crack)
Worst Jokes Ever
My brackets are so high on my teeth, they must be smoking something.
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor.
Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
Finish the sentence.
Salt and Vi.....
You suck.
Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.
What did the dog say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? "Hey, mitosis!"
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
Where is a place where people die?
Rosshall Academy.
What's a goat's favorite video game?
Mario Goat Cart!
"Bippidy boppidy boo! Bill Cosby is coming for you!"
There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.
The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"
Why can't depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are too scared to meet the exit.
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
How did the retard win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
Chihuahua?
Could it be ligma?
Ligma balls, daddy!
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?
They both leave you hanging.