Worst Jokes Ever

I need to get new shoes; one of these isn’t right.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.

One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:

Police: "What’s you name?"

Shut Up: "Shut Up."

Police: "Where's your manners?!"

Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."

I like my women like I like my diving pool:

Deep and wet.

I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."

An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."

Pussy, no pussy.

What did the fish say when he got to the dam?

"Dam water."

"Dam!"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

What do boobs and toys have in common?

Kids end up playing with toys, but adults end up playing with boobs.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

Your mum lol teehee!

Why does the sky think it's so powerful?

Because it's always looking down on us.

Most of the jokes are trash.

I asked my girlfriend if she was a smoke alarm. She said, "Is it because I warned him when hotness came?" I said, "No, you don’t shut up!"

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.

I like men like I like money, always getting lost under my bed.

A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.

Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."

If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents!