My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents. My one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick. I raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick.
Worst Jokes Ever
"Wanna hear a construction joke?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Wait, I'm still working on it!"
Q: What did one atom say to the other?
A: I have my ion you.
Swallow cum, not gum.
Think like a proton and stay positive!
I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them, but the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, “Shove it up your butt, if you laugh we kill you.” So, he shoves the peach up his butt and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native Americans kill him. They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, “I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?” The second guy says, “Oh yea, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
Ice cold coffee? Cool beans!
What was Stephen Hawking's last message before he died: "Server shutting down."
My junk was in the book of world records until I got kicked out of the library.
I was baking a cake when I saw some egg shell in the mix. I said, "You've got to be yolking me!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered *sex* offender.
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?
They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
I can't believe my friends. They killed themselves without me!
IX + X = XXI. So XXI is two legions into one.
My mom is a chemistry teacher.
Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.
Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!
What is blue and wiggling on my floor?
A baby in a bag.
What happens when you cross a cow and a redneck?
The redneck fucks the cow.
Bob the Golden Retriever and Lily the Husky were talking at Bob's house.
Lily: Bob, do you think I'm fat?
Bob: No, Lily, of course not! You're just a little husky!!!! Lol. Golden Retrievers are funny.
(Bob holds Deric's neck)
Deric: "Water, what are you doing?"