Worst Jokes Ever

I am a sheep.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

Why did the guy like retarded jokes? Because he was a retard himself.

Me: What did one toilet say to the other?

You: What?

Me: You look flushed!

My brother and I were roughhousing and accidentally knocked over our bookshelf. My mom came in and started asking who knocked it over, to which I replied that I only had my shelf to blame.

Hey, can I axe you a question?

My brother likes to build "traps" to capture our cat so he can pet it. I said it wasn't gonna catch anyone, he replied with "not going to stop who?" I told him not to worry that it could capture any two.

What’s the only type of batteries that they use in prisons? Duracell.

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

Stephen Hawking's death was completely accidental.

He pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep".

So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Alabama.

Alabama who?

Alabama your cousin.

If you want to punch someone, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Did you know that French fries aren't from France? They're cooked in Greece.

Why did the Indian cross the road?

To get to the curry shop.

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

What did the HP say to a Dell?

Hello!

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.

What do u call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eyed deer.

What do u call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls? Still no f*#$in eyed deer.

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

It's so sad that Stephen Hawking can't stand up for himself.

How do you plan a party in space? You have to planet.