Worst Jokes Ever
Yaxaas?
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
I wondered why the pitcher hadn’t pitched the ball yet.
Then it hit me.
How did Steven Hawking die?
He lost internet connection.
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer (no idea).
Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Because she is a dumb b*tch!
If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?
0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.
I need to go to the tailor, or so it seams.
I need to get new shoes; one of these isn’t right.
My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.
So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."
My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"
I said, "Literally."
There was a guy called Manners, one called Poo, and one called Shut Up.
One day, Manners was on his way to pick up Poo from school. A police officer stopped Shut Up and said:
Police: "What’s you name?"
Shut Up: "Shut Up."
Police: "Where's your manners?!"
Shut Up: "Picking up Poo."
I like my women like I like my diving pool:
Deep and wet.
I named my refrigerator Oicurmt, because every time I look in, I say, "O I C, U R MT."
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
Pussy, no pussy.
What did the fish say when he got to the dam?
"Dam water."
"Dam!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
What do boobs and toys have in common?
Kids end up playing with toys, but adults end up playing with boobs.