Worst Jokes Ever
What is Forrest Gump's password?
1forest1
My son asked me, “What is angel cake made of?”
I reply by listing the ingredients in Mr. Kipling angel cakes. Then he shouts “STOP!” I stop as I reach food colorings. He slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper, “Well, in my angel cake, I put angels in them.”
I freaked out about this, so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake. He said, “Grandma, the one who died last Saturday.”
Fuck me.
What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!
I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Yo life.
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
Why do you want me?
Cus u like me...
What do you mean?
You love me.
No.
Look down.
I like this joke.
How do you turn your dog into a watchdog?
Get it a Rolex!
"Octo" means 8 and an octopus has 8 legs... so where did the "pus" come from?
Why do cheetahs have spots? Chicken pox.
Why can't cheetahs run forever? Because they run out of breath!
I have a daughter; she’s a fan. Her name is Penny. Fan she was born on the mountain Pen y Fan. I adopted her because her mum fell off the cliff after birthing Penny. It doesn’t matter, really; Penny’s mum wasn’t a big fan of her anyway.
(This isn't really a joke btw anyway.) SpongeBob, me boy, ye ruptured me intestines with that massive c*ck of yours, agahgahagahagahagah!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
I don't want to die.
People generalize others too much.
What do you call a deaf animal?
Anything, it can't hear you.