Worst Jokes Ever
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
What rock group has four men that don't sing? -- Mount Rushmore.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?
Because it's 90 degrees.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."