Worst Jokes Ever
I was walking by the gun shop earlier and saw everything was 40% off. I didn't know back to school sales were already starting.
If you scanned my thigh, it would show up as a package of Oreos on the screen.
I identify as kilometers per second because I want to km/s.
Where did Joe go after getting lost in a minefield?
Everywhere.
It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!
What's the square root of 2001?
9/11
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
How can one make Death Row a little more fun?
Musical electric chairs.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
It’s the police, ma’am, your son got hit by a drunken driver. He’s dead.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
What was Morgan Freeman called before the Civil War?
Morgan.
Your mama's like a cardboard box: open to the public and easy to nail.
Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?
Cause damn, you lookin' kinda Au Ti S Ti C!
"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."
"Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world? It only had one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu."
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had "no-body" to go with.
What do alien moms like to drink? Starbucks.
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!
What did the white baby say to his Chinese parents?
"Two wongs don’t make a white."