Worst Jokes Ever

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says "No Tres passing."

I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

What do Japanese men do when they vote?

They have an erection.

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls. -- I was in the women's bathroom.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.