Worst Jokes Ever

What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?

They both only change their pads after every third period!

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?

They both have special needs.

My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.

He never talks about it.

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?

Cot death.

A 10 year old girl reported to her friends that her 16 year old male babysitter was touching her inappropriately. He quickly lost his job as a babysitter.

A 10 year old boy reported to his friends that his 16 year old female babysitter was touching him inappropriately. She quickly became the most popular babysitter in town amongst boys.

I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.

Why do Asians excel at math?

Because their dog can never eat their homework.

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

Me: September is here!

[Labor Day comes]

Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”

What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?

Getting the water bill.

What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

How do you ground a Gen Z?

Make them go outside and socialize.

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

Joke time!

Now, Heaven or Hell?

Heaven: we got clouds.

Hell: we got a frickin' private yacht!

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."