Are you a sports car? Because you give my heart quite a rush
Do you know the best thing about killing a hooker? Not only do you get your money back, but, the second hour is free.
Knock, knock. (Whose there?) Your dad. (But my dads dead.) I know, just reminding you!
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
What do you call intelligent people in America?
Tourists.
Yo mama's so ugly she went into a strip club and got paid to keep her clothes on.
Teacher: Hey Timmy (the quiet kid) what comes after x The Quiet kid: splosion Teacher: What comes after A The Quiet kid: K-47 Teacher: faints
What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?
Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.
A man find out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees. Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says “I can save you $100”
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s jump at his funeral
Yo mama so old, she walked into an antique store, and they didn't let her leave.
Yo mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your grandma.
Yo mama so ugly even bullets refuse to kill her
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama's so ugly, she could make an onion cry
Yo momma is so ugly even the trash man wouldn't pick her up.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it."
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
stolen dad jokes: "I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
Husband: Dammit alice! I'm your husband and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you! Wife: Go to hell Bob! I'm Leaving! Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
