"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.
Why are there no fat people in Japan? Last time they had a Fat Man 80,000 people died.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Why didn’t Anne Frank just finish her diary? Concentration problems.
Want to know how you make any salad into a ceasar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
"Where do young trees go to learn?" "Elementree school."
"Why is Peter Pan always flying?" "He neverlands."
"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."
We say “Father, I have sinned”, because it would be weird if we said “Daddy, I have sinned” right?“Forgive me Daddy for my transgressions!” We say the “Our Father”, not the “Our Daddy”
What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common? They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot“.
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erect*on?” Wife: “ok... what is it?” Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now”.
Why do Chinese people like playing Among Us? It’s the only place they can vote!
