We jokes

Yo mama is so fat, she couldn't even fit through the rabbit hole at first because she ate like a damn pig last night when we had dinner.

I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.

The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"

That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

This one butt cheek said to the other one, "It's really personal, but it's okay, I'll tell you." It said, "Hey, let's go to my crib so we can smoke a little joint, watch a movie, and go upstairs in the room and get down."

What's the difference between crazy people and regular people?

We don't live in their heads.

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow, I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents. Your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

How did we know Princess Diana had dandruff?

'Cause the police found her Head and Shoulders on the dash.

Five little monkeys jumping on a bed.

One fell off and bumped his head. Mamma called Walmart, and Walmart said,

"We will give you a replacement!"

Teacher: We have a new student. He's an orphan.

Student: Oof.

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Student: His parents.

My sister said I'm stupid and I'm a baby, and I said, "Oh, I didn't know we were talking about you."

I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

Just think, when we're getting fucked, we make our own food.

Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.

We the jury are yet to deliver our final verdict, but we would like to have a guess.

Is it Mrs. Peacock with the candlestick in the library?

Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!

Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.

Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?

Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.

Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.

Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.

Brother 2: You monster.

Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?

Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.

Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.

Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!

Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.

Brother 1: Found them.

*imaginary mother and brother fade away*

Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.

Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

Can some hot depressed suicidal guy give me his number so we can cry about being depressed and wanting to die?

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

When your parents say, "We are sorry that you are here," what do you think of that?

I think that you're an accident!