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We jokes

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.

The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."

Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."

Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."

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    • When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.

    Guys, we need to stop telling orphan jokes, they're gonna tell their parents. Oh wait, never mind, continue.

    I was playing basketball and a guy in a wheelchair asked if he could play.

    I looked at him and told him that we are looking for ankle breakers, yours are already broken.

    We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world.

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    • My girlfriend said she's having a horrible time with her period. I ask her which one, but realize she's not talking about school...

    We don't see each other very much.

    President: Them damn flat faced n**g*rs!!

    Man: We have the power of the sun itself!

    President: Drop it on them!

    Man: You push the button.

    President: *sigh* Fine give it to me.

    Man: Hands over button

    President: Pushes it

    Both: YAAA!

    President: Bumps into the button pressing it again

    Both: Oh, sh*t!

    Meanwhile in Japan after the first bomb went off

    Japanese man: Ah sh*t here we go again

    Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?

    Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.

    I was spending my holiday in Paris with my gf. As we were walking near the city, a meteor hit and killed my gf.

    Forensics did an autopsy on the corpse and concluded that someone missed a pen and hit my gf from the PSG training ground. SHAME ON YOU PESSI FOR RUINING MY LIFE! 🤬😡

    I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

    I was doing a 10km run with my good friend Pessi. As we were setting up our smart watches, the watch voice asked us if we wanted to do a solo run or a group run.

    Pessi proceeded to smash both our watches and shout, “I don’t want solo run, I want Penalty!”

    Shame on you, Pessi!

    Whoever invented religions, they fucked up.

    We got all kinds of retarded adults believing in mythologies.

    Girl: Dad, where are you?

    Dad: I went to go get milk.

    Girl: But we have milk.

    Dad: I know, I just don't love you.

    In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.