We jokes

Here in IHOP, we serve pancakes, not pie cakes. If so, we can always bring in a chart that will power the customer. His smile will remain at its current form, and police surely resisted when I said the word "surely."

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

Hey, do you know why America sucks? We have the death penalty.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3

In our history class we were on our China unit and learning a little about gunpowder.

And I said "WOAH THAT'S LIT!"

Me and my mom order Chinese food.

My mom grabs the egg roll and starts licking it up and down and sucking on it in front of the Chinese delivery guy. I said, "Why are you doing that?" Then my mom says, "I love him a long time so we don't have to pay for the food."

Germany: As long as America stays out of the war, we should win.

Japan: *bombing Pearl Harbor* Cowabunga It Is!!

What do we want? Plane noises!

When do we need it? Neeooooooowwwww!

How do poets say hello?

Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

"GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts, "We don't serve your type!"

Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!

My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"

We were talking about ancient ruins last week, so I said they can ruin your day!

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

My girlfriend is 19 and I'm 29. We go out to eat in a restaurant, but the whole time I have to deal with being accused of being a pedo, being called disgusting and disturbed.

It completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.

boss: "We have to let you go."

surgeon: "I protest innocence."

boss: "How?"

surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."

boss: "Get out!"

What did one plane say to the other?

"It’s been a long day, I’m ready to crash."

Other plane: "No you’re not, we haven’t even gotten high yet!"

Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.

Director: Hi, we are making a huge cliffhanger in this movie.

Actor: Really? What do I do?

Director: You will play the part of the cliff. (holds up hanging rope)