Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.
But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."
So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.
This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.
Welcome to youtube.com.
Where we treat our patients nicely.
Hi.
When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.
We are gonna crush you in the try not to laugh.
Stormtrooper: What should we do with this coffee?
Palpatine: Brew it!
Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Screw it.
Stormtrooper: My lord, what should we do with all this beef?
Palpatine: Stew it.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
What do we call a Canadian gay ~disciplined cunt
What do we call a gay Canadian? Sophisticated cunt
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
All these African jokes aren't funny when you are a lover of Africa, how are there still Africans alive? Y'all are racist and may God forgive you. You know we're rich with natural resources, that's why y'all come to steal from us. Shame on you all!
What’s the difference between a bird and a human?
“We don’t eat with our peckers.”
If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.
I had the worst day of my life, my 13 rear old EX got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard, did I mention that we were in Syria?
