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Use jokes

What has tree roots and what do I have for kids? What is the difference between a human and a used tire?

Tree roots are under the tree, and used tires are under the Hummer.

What do they use in communion when they run out of bread?

Doughnuts, because they're holy.

An unfortunate accident happened at the Nestlè factory. A man named Joe was seriously injured because a box of chocolates fell on him. Every time he said, "The chocolates are on me!" everyone cheered.

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

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    • Me: That’s a good WAVE.

    Friend: I SEA it.

    Wave: Doesn't break for us to surf on.

    Me: I was SHORE it would be good.

    Friend: I SEA what you did there.

    Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

    Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

    Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

    "Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

    "Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

    "Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

    Grandma pointed to the campfire.