Use jokes

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.

He was high on my list of priorities.

Yo mama is so poor, she buys used food.

Chuck Norris uses elevators only in case of fire.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.

I used to be a banker...

But then I lost interest.

What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?

"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."