US jokes

I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.

Student: OOFT.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

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    • Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

    Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

    Husband: Is that your final answer?

    Wife: Mmmmm.

    Husband: Are you sure?

    Wife: Yes.

    Husband: No doubts?

    Wife: No.

    Husband staring a long time at his wife.

    Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

    I've never been to Bradford before until today. While driving through the city center with my dad I asked, "Would you set up a business here?", to which he responded "No".

    So I asked "Why not, you'd make us rich!", He gave me a confused face and asked, "How so?".

    So I said, "Because sales would be fucking booming!"

    I know, it's an awful joke.

    What happens if the dumbest person from Europe goes to the US?

    The average IQ increases in both places.

    How do we get a butt? God made us like that, and we can't change it. If you wanted to, you have to die <:

    Setting: Funeral Home

    Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.

    Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.

    Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?

    Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.

    Customer: Okay?

    Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.

    By: MiniMemorials.com

    The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

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    • Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture?

    A: One uses one nail to hang.

    When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

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