The jokes

Why do emo kids not run? Because their bodies will tear apart from the bones from all the cuts.

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.

If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?

Dad: Don’t be silly son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place.

"You're the bomb."

"No, you're the bomb."

A compliment in the US, an argument in the Middle East.

I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.

"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.

"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

Your Mom is so friking fat, that when she ripped her pants and went to the seamster, they said, "We don't sew curtains!"

Why did the chicken cross the road to Popeyes Chicken?

It wanted to pop some chicken eyes...

The department of touch yourself is coming to the UK near you. I hope Scotland gets freedom. I can't wait to leave England and live in Scotland.

Yeah man! Life is wonderful! But, when you realize all of the ones you loved were fake.

And when you die, does your online friends notice? How will they notice? Or will they ever notice? Is 13 age too young for dying? Am I just paranoid? I'm scared.

Yesterday a woman stabbed me, so I stabbed her back. Then I realized she was the vaccine woman.

Why can't orphans have a home button on their phone?

Because they don't have homes.

Yo mama's so fat, when she went on the scale it said, "Still counting."

Yo mama's so fat, she's both in the Atlantic and Pacific ocean.

Yo mama so fat, the Egyptians modeled the pyramids based on her.

Yo mama so fat, she was the iceberg that sank the Titanic.