The jokes
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Why did the orphans have in common? They both don't have parents.
What are the four letters you don't want to hear from a dentist?
I C D K
When is the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.
Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."
What don't Rick Astley and the Twin Towers have in common?
One won't let you down, while the other will.
What is the main group of teens in West Side Story?
New York Jets.
If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.
Cheer on the rapist if you want.
A dog was in the vet's waiting room and another dog asked, "What are you here for?"
"Well, my owner was looking under her bed for something while naked and I couldn't resist, so I mounted up and screwed her senseless."
"Oh, so you're here to get neutered?"
"Nah, I'm just getting my nails clipped."
Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of cliffs? They push back harder.
An Eskimo was holidaying in New Zealand and while driving his rented car around the countryside it broke down. A bloke passing by offered to help, lifted the bonnet and said, "I know your problem, you blew a seal."
The Eskimo with a shocked expression retorted, "Yeah? Well you fuck sheep!"
Why do girls scratch their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have another pair of balls.
What is the true meaning of Christmas?
Stealing presents from orphans - a quote by Technoblade.
From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”
What did the policeman shout to the cow running away?
"Get to the ground, beef!"
What do you call a cow that fell up the stairs?
Ground beef.
Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office. They answer, "Hello, this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, how may I be of service?"
What animal howls at the moon and eats cement?
If you guessed wolf, you're right! I threw in the cement to make it hard.
The British Society of Psychics' annual convention had to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances!