The jokes
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
Titanic, doing the polar plunge before it was cool.
Why do you think after death the angel says do not be afraid?
Search up biblically accurate angels.
There once was a man that wanted to join a group of right-handed men, but he wrote with the other hand. He got left behind.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I got jealous of the zebras. Sorry, I’ll cut it out. I wanted to practice for my med school test.
Today, I spotted Johnny Depp on the clearance rack at Kmart. Kmart is currently trying to clear its inventory of wife-beaters.
How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, because it’s the normal person's height.
What’s the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and a priest?
They both like lil' boys.
What is a dirty minded Harry Potter fan's favorite spell before the deed? Dickus Embigus!
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A: A knife has a point.
Once there was this kid that wanted to shower with his dad, so his dad said yes. Then he asked, "What is that?" and his dad said it's a chow chow train.
The next day, he wanted to shower with his mom, so she said yes. He asked again, "What is that?" and she said it was a tunnel with light.
The same day, he wanted to sleep with them, and they said yes.
In the middle of the night, he woke up and told his mom to turn on the light because the chow chow train is going in.
Yo mama so UGLY... at the strip club... people pay her... to keep her clothes ON!!!
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.