The jokes
My mom loves balls.
But my dad has been gone for the last 4 years.
Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
Why do orphans hate Cocomelon?
Because the parents are in every episode.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest with a rabid wolf.
"I work with animals," a man said on his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I love a man who works with animals. Where do you work?" "At the butcher shop!"
What do you call security guards working outside of Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy. 🌌
The average stripper weighs 112 lbs.
According to the pole 💈.
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
What's gayer than a gangbang in a man sex ring?
Not slapping the ass at Hooters.
So I’m riding in the car with my dad and all of a sudden I smell something rank without warning.
My dad starts laughing at me.
Dad: “Son! That must have been an orphan fart! You know why?”
Me: “Why dad?”
Dad: “Because it ain’t got no pop!”
The "S" in Putin stands for smart.
What did the shoe tell the feet?
"Put me on your feet!"
What did they give Elmo before he left the factory? Two test-tickles.
Why can't Mexicans cross the border? They always sneak powder in.
What did the British soldiers say while in the trenches? "Damn, it's windy out here!"
You know it’s called the circle of life? Because there’s no point to it.
Why should you always knock on the fridge door before opening it? In case there's a salad dressing.
What is the difference between white people and Africans? The white people watch "The Hunger Games," the Africans live it.