The jokes
A kid came to the orphanage with a dead fish. She was crying.
Why was the kid crying in the orphanage? Because someone came for the fish.
A woman was in the Twin Towers. She orders a pepperoni pizza but got a plane pizza.
I saw a bus the other day with some boy scouts at the back. One of them was having fun getting his knot-tying badge.
Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call dad. 🤣
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.
They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple has a family tree.
When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat.
I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.
These two guys were texting each other.
Guy 1: How are you?
Guy 2: I’m great. The weather is lovely here. Guy 2: *sends picture of a flying spring*
Guy 1: ???
Guy 2: Springs in the air. :)
I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.
Why did Sally drop a broom? "Why?" 'Cause she had no arms.
Why did Sally go swimming? She didn't like not having arms.
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not Sally, she hasn't come back yet.
It’s about drive, it’s about power, We stay hungry, we devour, Put in the work, put in hours, And take what’s ours.
What does the school shooter do after he shoots a victim? He shoots more kids in them!
Why was the entire population emo in the 1920s?
Because it was the Great Depression.
I can find the end of time before I find your hairline.
What is Osama bin Laden singing right now?
*cue the little mermaid* "Undaaa the sea, undaaa the sea"
And together we will make America great again.
You were never great in the first place.
Your forehead is so big that I could draw the map of the world on it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.
WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.