The jokes

Maybe if you get a better hairline, your dad will come back with the milk.

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

You're so black, when you get near the sun, we go into a solar eclipse.

What is the only place fat people live?

Obi-city.

People dream about having a lot of money, but the only thing you should be dreaming about is a hairline.

Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed three episodes.

Yo mamma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he was just asking her to get out the way.

Yo momma so fat, when she said, "Order in the court," she really meant burgers and fries.

Yo mamma so fat, she asked for a water bed, and they put a blanket over the Atlantic Ocean.

What did the orphan poker player say to the elder?

“Will you raise me?”

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apples get picked.

Jack and Jill wanted some pills.

So they went to the dealer; he saw they were kids and said, "Fuck this shit," then Jack rocked his ass and took all the good shit except birth control pills.

Did you know that they are making a movie about the four boys who lost their lives on the ice? They're calling the movie "The Lost Boys."

I got fired my first day at the bank. This old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

How is the world like a box of crayons?

Nobody likes the white ones.

And a side note, it's multi colored.

What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?

The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.

If you drop an apple and an emo girl, who falls first?

The apple, because the emo girl hung herself.

A guy and his girl just finished making love.

Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"

The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"

When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.

But you know you live alone.

A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”

The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.

“It’s really not your day, is it?”