The jokes
What is the opposite of Progress?
Congress.
Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?
Because they were retarrrrrrrrrded.
A guy finds a genie.
He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."
"Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water and boil the hell out of it.
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
It's easy to roast beef.
What's the most fun a monk can have?
Nun.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
Your momma is so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
What do you call a fruit that argues against the position it supports?
The Devil's advocado.
What does the B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoît B. Mandelbrot.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
Where did the sheep get a haircut?
At the baa-baa shop.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.