The jokes
What did the mermaid wear for math class?
Algaebra.
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Why doesn't Mexico compete in the Olympics?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, and swim are in the U.S.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What is it called when the gynecologist slanders your grandfather?
A pap smear.
I was going to join the debating team.
... but someone talked me out of it.
Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice.
Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage.
Lettuce pray.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
What is the name of the bear capital?
Koala Lumpur.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her!
I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One turns to the other and says, "I think I've lost my electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," the first says, "I'm positive!"
Why was the computer late to work?
Because it had a hard drive!
What's the difference between PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
Where do kittens go on a field trip?
The meowseum.