The jokes
In the morning, I become a cereal killer.
What did the Queen Bee say to the other bees? "Beehive yourselves!"
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
Gloves!
JK, he hasn't opened it yet.
The radio is a player—it always gets turned on by lots of different people.
An Aussie, an Asian, and a Frenchman are in a bar.
The Asian throws his whiskey in the air and shoots it. The Frenchman asks, "Why did you do that?" The Asian says, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Frenchman throws his champagne in the air and shoots it. Then the Aussie asks, "Why did you do that?" The Frenchman replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
The Aussie then throws his beer up in the air and shoots the Asian. Then the Frenchman asked, "Why did you do that?" The Aussie then replies, "There are plenty of them where we come from."
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
The ice cream man tried to murder me today.
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
Who's never the last man standing?
Stephen Hawking.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired.
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
Why did Sally not save the mountain climber?
Because it was her dad.
Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture. Tonya says, "I'll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3-year-olds."
What's the best part of being a pedophile? You will never have a wife.
What's the best thing about being a pedophile? You can choose the fit profession where you find kids most.
Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"
Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"
Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."
Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?
There is a small medium at large.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because...
You know chords, right? Well, you know what I love to do? To play with A-minor. You know, feel your fingers on A-minor. Gives you a sense of power, to just F A-minor.
But that's not my favorite thing to fiddle with. That would be the D of minors. It's just solid, you know. If you're clever you can have the D of minors into the C of minors. Or, though a bit tricky, the D of minors into the B of minors.
And at this point you've gotten the point and if I want to continue it would be a bit of a stretch.
I'm doing a charity bungee jump for the local disabled.
It's called "spastics on elastics."