The jokes
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
Why was the chef embarrassed?
He saw the salad dressing.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"SUPPLIES!"
What is the best part of twenty-one year olds?
There's twenty of them.
The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.
He couldn't take the stairway to heaven; he had to take the lift.
Why did Stephen Hawking go to hell?
Because he couldn’t go up the stairs to heaven.
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?
Stephen Hawking was one of the best scientists ever. Now he's walking up the steps of he... No, he's not walking up the steps of heaven.
What's black and at the top of a staircase?
Not Stephen Hawking.
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.
He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital. Apparently, the doctor said to the nurse, "You can discharge Mr. Hawking now," so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.
Q: Why did frosty pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
Be warned, if you are in the shower, I might pikachu and it's not my fault if I see any jigglypuffs.
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.
What did the mentally retarded kid get on his test?
Drool.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.