The jokes
He went too far away from the wall, and he got unplugged.
What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?
Barack Obama.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Hey, did you know that Stephen Hawking predicted the end of the world?
Well, not really. He predicted the end of *his* world.
What's the difference between a chicken and a dog?
I don't know... I'm from China.
I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
I am up in the air about becoming a pilot.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a car in my garage.
I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.
When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.
He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
What's the difference between broccoli & boogers?
People don't eat their broccoli.
What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
Why is Stephen Hawking good at skateboarding? Because he's always on the ramps.
Stephen Hawking couldn't take the stairway to Heaven, he had to take the lift.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
Why was the chef embarrassed?
He saw the salad dressing.