The jokes
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking... J.K. Rowling.
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
When the chair was invented, the inventor's friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."
What’s the difference between a dumpster full of dead babies and a Lamborghini?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
What's the difference between Fortnite and PUBG?
I don't know.
Where do you get milk from? The Milky Way, of course!
The reason why Steven H. died was that someone poisoned his chocolate mousse.
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You look run down." The guy says, "No, I've come on my bike!"
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
The twin towers are like genders, there used to be two of them.
What's red, green, and slimy and slides down the chip shop window?
Abortion of chips.
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”
Why do only guys have fun? There's only the word "penis" in happiness.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
To fuck the chicken.
Why did the blind man fall down a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
What do Stephen Hawking and the Wicked Witch have in common?
If you throw water over them, they both die...
One dollar bill is with a five dollar bill. The five says, "I make more cents than you."