The jokes
What's the fastest way to Shepherd's Bush?
Up Shepherd's leg.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Coz she had no arms, bants!
Where do whales get weighed?
The whaleway station.
Bants ahahahahahahahahahahhahahahashahahhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
What did one needle say to the other?
"You be looking sharp!"
What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
One at the bottom that's still alive.
What's worse than that?
It's forced to eat its way out.
What's even worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave?
I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.
Once I saw a mirror... and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost.
A mirror and a terrorist are the same... Only... a mirror doesn't need a gun to kill.
Why did the family move away?
Because they lost their son.
The other day I lost all my crayons.
I just wish I had a shoulder to cray on.
What has 6 legs, 10 arms, and 3 heads?
The Boston marathon finish line.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 7 seconds.
What does a blowjob from an 80-year-old and bungee jumps have in common?
You feel the rush, but don't look down.
I joined the military for the group showers.
How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?
One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.
...just kidding-
- none. They can't change anything.
What did the mommy tomato tell the little tomato?
You better ketchup!
What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.
What’s the difference between Jimmy and a normal kid? Jimmy is fat.
Why did the kid who was blind, in jail, need light to see? He didn't, he needed to braille his way out.
A man enters a bar with some friends, and they all sit down to a drink. After not too long, a man with glasses comes through the front door saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" When no one listens, he shrugs, and everyone watches him go up the stairs. Ten seconds later, he comes back in through the door, again saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" Everyone is amazed, and a few people leave to go fly with him. He keeps coming back into the bar, bringing more and more patrons to join him. The man at the bar is about to join in when the bartender finally sighs.
"For the last time, Superman, get out of my bar, you're drunk and the only person here that can fly!"
The man with glasses frowns.
"Where did all the others go, then?"