The jokes
My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
One hot day a cow wanted some shade.
He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."
Why did the penguin pull out a tooth? It was Mexican.
Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.
Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.
The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."
She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Stephen Hawking only went to hell because he couldn't get up the stairway to heaven.
I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock-knock joke? I heard he got the Nobel Prize.
Girls are like a bus; you might miss the first bus and catch the second bus.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How are Stephen Hawking and Kaepernick so much alike? They both don’t stand for the national anthem.
The person who is reading this.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.
What is a terrorist's DJ name?
Osama Spin Laden.
Dropping beats like the Twin Towers.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.