The jokes
How do you punish Helen Keller?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
The ocean didn't start smelling like fish until women started swimming in it.
What's the good thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's twenty of them!
Maybe the ocean is salty because the land never waves back.
A man awakes in a hospital and is confused. He decides to feel his legs, but to no avail.
"Doctor, doctor!" He cries out.
"What is it?" The doctor asks.
"I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor stands there for a moment - completely dumbfounded.
". . . That's because I amputated your arms."
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh f-i-s-h (and the eye).
What do you call a retarded three legged doggo heckin pupper monster? A 1996 Dodge Neon with a broken tail light cover and 166,748.46 miles on the odometer.
It could use a tune up and it needs a new transmission soon. New rear tires and a new radiator. Test drives with cash in hand. HMU motivated seller. Don’t waste my time and no lowballs.
Have you seen the movie "Constipation"?
It hasn't come out yet.
When did I wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the Statue of Liberty? The statue stands for something.
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
What's the difference between a plane and a woman?
At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.
What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?
My boner.
How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?
The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.
Why can't orphans play catch?
Because they don't have parents to catch the ball.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...