The jokes

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

Sailors are coming onto the boardwalk and are met by Colonel Sanders. He asks them, "What is your occupation?" They respond, "We are seamen." So he says, "Well, you better wash up 'cause I'm finger lickin' good!"

I saw a cyclist in the road today, so I ran over him and he said in a robotic voice, "SHUTTING DOWN!"

Did you hear the rumors about butter?

Never mind—you shouldn't spread them.

There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".

At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

There's two types of emo people:

1. People that cut side to side.

2. And people that cut up and down.

The most efficient is up and down.

I went to the shops yesterday. I bought roast chicken, eggs, and duck. The cashier read $45.99. It was an egg-cellent price!

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me :3

Why couldn't Cinders use horses to pull the Pumpkin Coach?

Because they were too busy playing stable tennis!

What's the difference between a fish and a guitar?

You can tuna guitar, but you can't tuna fish!

Why is the number 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

What did the plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me! 😂

Why did the bike fall over?

It was too tired.

What's the difference between dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

Did you hear about the book about gravity? I couldn’t put it down.

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

What's the difference between 13 dead babies and a skeleton?

There aren't any, there's 13 skeletons in my closet.