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The jokes

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

School is a lot like boot camp. The only difference is that you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

Did you hear about Hellen Keller falling down the well?

She screamed her little fingers off.

What's the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the shelter?

My last if she knows what's good for her.

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage...

Why did the Ice Cube complain about being so warm? Because he was dropped on the floor.

What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? "I feel really wiped."

  • 2

    • A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling.

    The cashier says, "If you can grab it, your meal's free!"

    The man then said, "Nah, the stakes are too high."

    One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

    "Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

    Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

    "Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

    "No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

    "No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

    "Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

    "Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

    "Okay daddy!"

    *long pause*

    "Okay daddy! I did it!"

    "Great job Sally! What did she say?"

    "Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

    Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

  • 1

    • Stephen Hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged.

    He also forgot to pay the power bill.

    If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy, you would hear Stephen Hawking.

    Why did that fish cross the road?

    Just for the halibut (hell of it)!

    Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

    He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

    I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.